my head

i’m getting sick of myself and i can’t help it

i feel

as though i’m losing touch
as though i’m losing emotions
as though i’m losing faith
as though i’m losing trust
as though i’m losing sanity
as though i’m losing just everything.

i need a constant pause button whenever seconds ahead i’d planned to find it necessary in my life. 

i need you, wherever you are

i need you to change my perspectives towards what comes before me

i need you to light up my miserable state of mind

i need you

as if you even existed.

if i’d ever, in any way find this introduction possible to the public

i am a worrier
i tend to over think, sometimes it goes ridiculously overboard
i tend to lose myself in things i see and do
i tend to have a little bit too much of all emotions mixed up at the same time
the more i see, the worse i feel, regardless what is to be concerned
the more you try to hide, the more you reveal upon me
i do not understand the way i judge things that comes in a form of anything
i do not understand the way i feel 

i do not understand myself.

but i’d like to be by my own.

i can never explain, or even understand in any sense i’d find anywhere near almost possible, the reason why, words that come in the form of a written paragraphs seemed to be the one last standing approximate way to express almost to what’s near the very far end of a clear state of mind. 

i am quite confused, frankly speaking. with the fog that spreads beneath my dead eyes that comes by within split seconds, i suddenly just could not find myself being able to see where i am even heading to with this little i have in me.

i simply am not losing confidence, i am just losing almost all of my inner self

i can no longer hold myself up against the depression that i always have to deal with. i can no longer be sure if it really is about the depression or have i turned myself into becoming one or, am i becoming my own depression itself

it feels like a falling cake and nobody dares to catch it, except for the fact that i will never be a cake with cherry on top. but i am falling slowly as it is eating me up by the intervals of milliseconds and because everybody knows that, just because, i’d never be caught seeing that i am already falling

i need to dig deeper into myself to see.. 

i do hope that one of you’d have one of my eyes or at least share half of my brain. 

just what the fuck am i doing.